We are all Ancient Egyptians now

This morning’s Observer column.

I’ve just discovered that the ancient Egyptians worshipped a beetle – a scarab. Quaint, isn’t it? I mean to say, we’ve come on such a lot since those primitive times.

But what’s this? A note from my Guardian colleague, Charlie Brooker, about something he calls the Jabscreen. “Several times over the last year,” he writes, “I’ve attended meetings that started with everyone present gently placing their Jabscreen face-down on the table, as though commencing a futuristic game of poker. It wasn’t rehearsed, wasn’t planned, it just happened; a spontaneous modern ceremony.” Charlie was struck by “the sight of a roomful of media types perched reverentially around their shiny twit machines… each time it happened, a vague discomfort would hang in the air until, in a desperate bid to break the tension, someone would mumble a sardonic comment about the sinister ubiquity of the Jabscreen, likening it to Invasion of the Body Snatchers.”

Apple’s coming shitstorm

If you weren’t immediately struck by the patronising ‘Listen with Mother’ tone of Apple’s initial response to the iPhone 4 antenna problem, then have another look. Are you sitting comfortably?

The iPhone 4 has been the most successful product launch in Apple’s history. It has been judged by reviewers around the world to be the best smartphone ever, and users have told us that they love it. So we were surprised when we read reports of reception problems, and we immediately began investigating them. Here is what we have learned.

To start with, gripping almost any mobile phone in certain ways will reduce its reception by 1 or more bars. This is true of iPhone 4, iPhone 3GS, as well as many Droid, Nokia and RIM phones. But some users have reported that iPhone 4 can drop 4 or 5 bars when tightly held in a way which covers the black strip in the lower left corner of the metal band. This is a far bigger drop than normal, and as a result some have accused the iPhone 4 of having a faulty antenna design.

At the same time, we continue to read articles and receive hundreds of emails from users saying that iPhone 4 reception is better than the iPhone 3GS. They are delighted. This matches our own experience and testing. What can explain all of this?

Eh? No wonder Dave Winer thought it had been written by a comedian:

When I read their first public response on July 2, the one that said the problem was the meter measuring the strength of AT&T’s signal, I couldn’t believe this was meant to be taken seriously. It’s the kind of story The Onion might have written on a bad day. Or Jon Stewart. That a corporate PR team wrote this says how unseasoned their people are. That they thought this answer was going to satisfy anyone says how out of touch they are with the world they are in.

Dave’s point is that instead of just being a Plucky Little Company Apple is now just Another Big Corporation. Like Microsoft. Like Google. Like BP.

The Reality Distortion Field bubble is about to burst. Their run as the Exceptional Company is about to end. And they’re going to be the last ones to figure it out. And it’s going to be the ugliest shitstorm you’ve ever seen.

Why will it be so ugly? Because Apple’s hype has been steadily inflating since 1997 when Steve Jobs returned, and it’s never taken a dip. They’ve risen from being written off to being worth more than Microsoft.

It’s also going to get ugly because we’re fed up with corporations. It was remarkable that there were no ads for oil companies on the World Cup broadcasts (at least the ones I watched). Can you imagine listening to a pitch from Exxon or BP saying they are working for our energy independence, or to clean up the planet or all the other lies they were telling us while they were taking huge unnecessary risks with the ecology of the oceans? They’re smart enough to know now is not the time to be spouting bullshit at us.

It will be ugly because Apple is going to let it get ugly. Because unlike the oil companies they have no experience with PR disasters… Apple has no concept of what’s it like to be disbelieved, untrusted, seen as an American corporation and nothing more.

Apple’s free ride by the mainstream media is also long overdue for termination. What I found surprising, nay borderline nauseating, was the soft treatment Steve Jobs received at his press conference about the iPhone 4 antenna problem last Friday. Any half-sentient reporter ought at least to have called him out on his disgraceful ploy of claiming that, hey, all smartphones have reception problems. Apart from the intellectual shoddiness of this, it also contradicts the First Axiom of the Reality Distortion Field: Apple is Different. Not any more, it isn’t. It’s just another big corporation.

Slasher Osborne and the belief that Austerity Is Good

“When I was young and naïve”, writes Paul Krugman, “I believed that important people took positions based on careful consideration of the options. Now I know better.”

Yep. Me too. Long ago I decided that the null hypothesis should be that — in public life and management at least — Nobody Knows Anything.

“Much of what Serious People believe”, Krugman goes on, “rests on prejudices, not analysis. And these prejudices are subject to fads and fashions.”

For the last few months, I and others have watched, with amazement and horror, the emergence of a consensus in policy circles in favor of immediate fiscal austerity. That is, somehow it has become conventional wisdom that now is the time to slash spending, despite the fact that the world’s major economies remain deeply depressed.

This conventional wisdom isn’t based on either evidence or careful analysis. Instead, it rests on what we might charitably call sheer speculation, and less charitably call figments of the policy elite’s imagination — specifically, on belief in what I’ve come to think of as the invisible bond vigilante and the confidence fairy.

Bond vigilantes are investors who pull the plug on governments they perceive as unable or unwilling to pay their debts.

Now there’s no question that countries can suffer crises of confidence (see Greece, debt of). But what the advocates of austerity claim is that (a) the bond vigilantes are about to attack America, and (b) spending anything more on stimulus will set them off.

Which brings us to Slasher Osborne and his fag, Danny Alexander. Time and again, their mantra is our old friend TINA (There Is No Alternative). If we don’t slash public expenditure then the Bond Vigilantes will come and get us. There is, of course, no evidence that the bond market would do to the UK what it threatens to do to Greece. Nor could there be. The essence of these kinds of markets — based on that intangible thing, “confidence” — is that there’s no knowing what they might do, and you can’t base national policy on considerations as irrational as that. Otherwise you wind up with the economic counterpart of the National Security State, which can devise any rationale — no matter how absurd — for curtailing freedoms on the grounds that Al Qaede could conceivably exploit the ‘loopholes’ that such freedoms provide. (As an example, think of the obsession with stopping photographers from photographing public buildings.)

It should be obvious to the meanest intelligence that slashing public spending when the economy is on a tentative recovery from recession is a sure way of triggering another, deeper, recession. And of course Slasher knows that, as do his counterparts in the US. But here another chimera comes to their aid, namely what Krugman calls the “Confidence Fairy”.

But don’t worry: spending cuts may hurt, but the confidence fairy will take away the pain. “The idea that austerity measures could trigger stagnation is incorrect,” declared Jean-Claude Trichet, the president of the European Central Bank, in a recent interview. Why? Because “confidence-inspiring policies will foster and not hamper economic recovery.”

What’s the evidence for the belief that fiscal contraction is actually expansionary, because it improves confidence? (By the way, this is precisely the doctrine expounded by Herbert Hoover in 1932.) Well, there have been historical cases of spending cuts and tax increases followed by economic growth. But as far as I can tell, every one of those examples proves, on closer examination, to be a case in which the negative effects of austerity were offset by other factors, factors not likely to be relevant today.”

Oh, and if you’re in any doubt about what really savage public spending cuts can do to an economy, then have a look at my own dear homeland, which was recently the subject of an illuminating piece in the New York Times.

Nearly two years ago, an economic collapse forced Ireland to cut public spending and raise taxes, the type of austerity measures that financial markets are now pressing on most advanced industrial nations.

“When our public finance situation blew wide open, the dominant consideration was ensuring that there was international investor confidence in Ireland so we could continue to borrow,” said Alan Barrett, chief economist at the Economic and Social Research Institute of Ireland. “A lot of the argument was, ‘Let’s get this over with quickly.’ ”

Rather than being rewarded for its actions, though, Ireland is being penalized. Its downturn has certainly been sharper than if the government had spent more to keep people working. Lacking stimulus money, the Irish economy shrank 7.1 percent last year and remains in recession.

Joblessness in this country of 4.5 million is above 13 percent, and the ranks of the long-term unemployed — those out of work for a year or more — have more than doubled, to 5.3 percent.

Now, the Irish are being warned of more pain to come.

More ‘pain’? (That word again.) Yep. Because of course the Bond Vigilantes aren’t satisfied yet.

Facebook group ‘praying’ for Obama’s death passes 1m members

Really, you couldn’t make this up.

A Facebook group accused of “praying” for the death of President Barack Obama has raised controversy online, with many calling for Facebook to remove the group as “offensive speech.”

The group, which lists its location as “Marysville, OH, 43040,” currently has over 1 million members–Facebook users who say they “like” the group.

Hmmm… That might be protected in the US under the First Amendment. Wonder how it squares with UK law.

There’s a Facebook group campaigning to remove the ‘praying’ group. It now has over 650,000 members. Human nature isn’t all bad. There’s also a comment which says that “if you go to this hate group’s FB page, most of the comments are trashing the group, which means many of the members joined just to voice their dissent. The real number must be far below 1M+.”

Roll on that hung Parliament

Lovely, thoughtful piece by Alan Massie in the Spectator in which he dissects the Tory ‘arguments’ against a balanced Parliament.

Tory warnings of the dire consequences of a hung parliament are understandable but, I suspect, unfortunate. There is little evidence that the electorate believes that a hung parliament will be a disaster, far less than they can be cajoled into thinking that they’re letting Britain down if they don’t vote Conservative.

And that, my friends, is the underlying message sent by the Tories’ blitz against a hung parliament.

A hung election might not be ideal but it might also be a fitting end to this exhausted, depressing parliament. But it need not be the disaster the Tories claim. The PDF they released today – and the advert – is thin gruel. Essentially they argue that 1974 was a disaster and this proves that hung parliaments are and always must be a terrible thing. Secondly, they say that many city types worry about financial uncertainty if no party wins overall control. Thirdly, the Tories warn that anything that moves Britain down the road to proportional representation is a bad thing because it's a bad thing that always ends badly.

I particularly like the argument that we shouldn’t have a balanced Parliament because it might upset those nice chaps in the City.

The Goldman case

Nice, acerbic column in The Atlantic by Daniel Indiviglio.

Would you have sympathy for a professional auto mechanic who bought a lemon after given the opportunity to examine the car beforehand? Few people probably would, since if anyone should have known better, he should have. Yet, in its case (.pdf – brief synopsis here) against Goldman Sachs, the Securities and Exchange Commission needs the court to develop a very similar sort of sympathy for German IKB bank and other large sophisticated investors who purchased a synthetic collateralized debt obligation (CDO) from Goldman. Even under the circumstances of the case, it's extremely difficult not to feel that IKB should have known better.

As far as I know, RBS also bought into the offending CDO. Same logic applies. Did they do ‘due diligence’?

This week’s Economist has quite a good piece about Goldman:

The Securities and Exchange Commission says Goldman misled two clients by failing to give adequate disclosure. At the urging of a hedge fund, Paulson, it enlisted an insurance firm, ACA, to select (with Paulson’s input) a pool of mortgage instruments upon which the security’s price would be based. The SEC alleges that Goldman misled ACA into believing that Paulson would co-invest with it. In fact Paulson was betting that the security would decline. The SEC also claims that IKB, a German state bank with a seemingly inexhaustible capacity for self-harm, was not told of Paulson’s role in helping pick the mortgages, a role the SEC argues was material.
Broken dealer?

Both of these possible offences are serious. Goldman denies the first outright, and on the second it argues that Paulson’s role was not material. The arguments appear finely balanced: the investigation has gone on for more than a year and the SEC’s top brass was divided over whether to proceed. It is impossible to second-guess the case’s outcome. But Goldman is already viewed by many as guilty. That fits a broader narrative in which it manipulated the bail-out and profited from economic misery. For those interested in accurate history, this is unfortunate. Some of Goldman’s links with the government were uncomfortably close. But the real story of this financial crisis, like many others, was not about one firm but near universal risk-taking, stupidity—and possibly widespread fraud.

History says that banks bounce back from legal problems. Goldman, however, will continue to be beaten up in public, whatever the outcome of this case. In one way, rightly so. No firm has combined such red-blooded dedication to profit and high pay with so little appreciation of the state’s generosity, in saving it from following Lehman and in propping up finance with subsidies and guarantees (which are now being reconsidered—see article). Many at the firm might wish it could go private again and recover its capitalist vim. But after a decade of huge success it is now too big to do that. It is also so dedicated to trading that it cannot go back to being a normal, boring bank. Greed and success, let alone a guilty verdict, have already pushed Goldman Sachs into a kind of prison.

The Digger’s kids are losing their marbles

Well, well. I heard something about this on the radio this morning, but wasn’t clear about what’s going on. This post makes things a bit clearer.

Last week, the Lib-Dem candidate Nick Clegg—the third party candidate in the race—did so well in a television debate that he began to emerge as the logical alternative to Labor. This has caused the Murdoch papers to unleash a full-scale attack on Clegg—with hardly any pretense other than to help Cameron—now known as the “Kill Klegg” campaign.

In turn, the Independent newspaper ran a front pager yesterday with the headline “Rupert Murdoch will not decide the outcome of the election. You will,” challenging the Murdoch coverage of the race.

Later in the afternoon, in a coming-apart-at-the-seams scenario, Rebekah Wade/Brooks and Murdoch’s son, James—who will both face the wrath of Murdoch senior if they don’t produce a winner—stormed over to the Independent, breached its security systems, barged into the offices of the Independent’s editor-in-chief and top executive, Simon Kelner, and commenced, in Brit-speak, a giant row. Their point was that newspaper publishers don’t slag off other newspaper publishers in polite Britain, but also the point was to remind Kelner that he wasn’t just slagging off another publisher, he was slagging off the Murdochs, damn it. Indeed, the high point of the screaming match was Wade/Brooks, in a fit of apoplexy and high drama, neck muscles straining, saying to Kelner: “And I invited you to Blenheim in the first place!” Blenheim being the Murdoch family retreat and the highest social destination for all Murdoch loyalists and ambitious Brits in the media.

If true, this is truly weird. James Murdoch is a tough, aggressive cookie. But up to now I thought he had better judgement than this. Are they really so rattled about the possibility of the Lib Dems doing well enough to scupper Cameron?

The Irish mess

If you thought Greece is a mess, think again. My homeland is, in significant ways, worse: more like Sicily without sunshine. There’s a great column by Elaine Byrne in today’s Irish Times that sums it up.

Appropriately enough, Black Tuesday coincided with the birthday of Vincent van Gogh, a man consumed by madness. By the end of that day, the Irish taxpayer was the owner of one debauched bank, two building societies and now holds a majority and minority stake in two other banks. On our behalf, the Government committed some €32 thousand million to the financial sector as a consequence of their mistakes. By the end of year, the taxpayer, through the offices of Nama, will also own €81 thousand million of property loans.

Wednesday’s front-page Irish Times report outlining Brian Lenihan’s banking plan contained 22 references to “billion”. That word has no meaning anymore because it is too big to appreciate fully. As Des O’Malley observed yesterday, the UN estimated cost to rebuild Haiti is a quarter of what we will spend on bailing out Anglo Irish Bank.

Those that seek to remember, to call to account, are often chastised for their anger. The capacity continuously to forget, our lack of memory or collective amnesia, has been a destructive virtue of Irish public life.

There will be no apologies or statements of regret from the political, financial or regulatory authorities. As Seán FitzPatrick said on RTÉ radio days after the September 2008 Government guarantee: “It would be very easy for me to say sorry, but the cause of our problem was global so I couldn’t say sorry with any degree of sincerity and decency but I do say thank you [to the Irish taxpayer].”

Patrick Neary, the financial regulator, was rewarded with an early retirement golden handshake of €630,000. Irish Nationwide’s Michael Fingleton retired with a €27 million pension fund and a €1 million bonus.

Seán FitzPatrick enjoys a large pension and got a €400,000 golden handshake. Former Anglo chief executive David Drumm went to Cape Cod with a €659,000 bonus. Anglo doesn’t expect €109 million of some €155 million owed by former directors to be repaid…

It’d be nice to think that FitzPatrick and the other rapacious creeps who ran the Irish banks into the ground will eventually go to prison. But somehow, although he has been interviewed for 30 hours by the cops, I suspect that he will go unpunished. Think of him as Ireland’s very own Fred Goodwin. But at least Goodwin had his windows broken and his car vandalised…

“Hoon: v. trans. To offer oneself for hire; to propose oneself for Chairman”

Watching the wonderful Dispatches/Sunday Times sting on TV last night, I was suddenly struck by the thought: imagine what would happen to the journalists who pulled off the coup if the sting had been conducted in Putin’s Russia.

It’s difficult to decide which of the victims was the most nauseating. The most pathetic was the fat Tory (about whom we’ve heard surprising little since) who told the interviewer (“in confidence”, of course) that he expected to be going to the Lords in due course. Not any more, he won’t.

But the most nauseating was surely the spectacle of Geoff Hoon proposing himself for the chairmanship of the fake’ Advisory Board.

Verily, a new verb has entered the language: “to hoon”.

Later: Tweet from Alan Woodley tells me that “Hoon in Oz slang=hooligan; hoodlum; loudmouth; fast, reckless driver ; pimp; bludger; despicable person.” Hmmm….

The Net didn’t kill US newspapers: they committed suicide

Instructive little vignette from 247wallstreet:

Gannett (GCI) is part of the crumbling newspaper industry. It has not gotten its online properties to nearly match the revenue of its traditional print operations, so the firm is still shrinking and has no real answer to it troubles. Gannett’s stock is off 80% over the last five years, which is much greater that the shares of either The New York Times Company (NYT) or The Washington Post (WPO). Gannett’s revenue is likely to drop again in 2010.

But, Gannett CEO Craig Dubow made $4.7 million last year according to the Gannett proxy. That is up from $3.1 million in 2008. Senior executives at the paper company get the customary access to private cars and the firm’s jet.

Gannett has fired thousands of people over the last two years and asked others to take weeks without pay. The company has not come up with a single meaningful strategic plan to overcome the slide in its fortunes. Operations like Huffington Post , Politico, and The Daily Beast have flanked Gannett. It never had the intelligence to launch its own large internet-only products. Perhaps it feared that would cannibalize its print properties, but they are dying anyway.

Thanks to Jeff Jarvis for the link.