O dear. It seems that HDTV has been causing alarm on planet Celeb.

Given that the nation is still struggling to get used to the idea of digital TV, it’s easy to get talk of “high definition” confused with all the other jargon that no one understands. In theory, high definition is what happens after digital. High-definition screens have more pixels making up the television picture, and said picture is created faster and in sharper definition. Every shot in high-definition is effectively a microscopic examination of skin complexion and condition, with even the tiniest imperfections becoming unbearably visible.

It’s tough out there, apparently. Here’s a review of Hilary Clinton and John McCain’s appearances on HD.

In high-def, Hillary looked remarkably masculine with thick eyebrows, David Spade-like haircut and a tan pants suit that could have gotten her into a Gertrude Stein poetry reading night without having to pay a cover. The overall look wasn’t helped by the fact that her neck was redder than the state of Alabama in the 2004 presidential election. She really needs to think about covering that thing up in future appearances. It looks raw and unhealthy in high-def.

Now, let’s get to McCain, who was on Tuesday night (August 28) on the Tonight Show With Jay Leno. McCain is now 71 years old and there’s no hiding it in high-def. He looks so feeble and doddering despite his best efforts to appear energetic. To make matters worse, he repeated an old joke that Sen. Bob Dole used to tell about having trouble sleeping at night: “I slept like a baby. I woke up every two hours crying.” When you’re trying to look fresh and young, you don’t quote someone even older than you. McCain likes to say he’s a maverick, but at this point, he looks older than the original maverick, James Garner.

Paul Kindersley pointed me at Ubucom, an avant-garde site, where I found this amazing film of John Lennon and Yoko Ono and their friends, including Ringo, Allen Ginsberg and many others who had gathered to celebrate John’s birthday on October 9, 1972. This film — made by Jonas Mekas and shot on 16mm — is the only record of the event. We hear a series of improvised songs, sung by John, Ringo, Yoko Ono, and their friends — not in a clean studio recording, but as birthday singing: relaxed, chaotic and happy.

Other sequences included in the film mean that it develops like a contemporary music video: a party for John & Yoko at Klein’s (their agent) on June 12, 1971; August 1972 at Madison Square Garden; the Central Park Vigil on the day John was shot; and some other rare footage of John and Yoko shot on different occasions. The soundtrack also includes John’s comments on his own film-making — the “home movies” he made with 8mm technology. The most catchy song, sung in an improvised manner in the film, is the Attica Blues. The drummer for the last part of the film is Dalius Naujolaitis. Amazing stuff: like a trip in a time machine.

I saw John and Yoko once in the flesh. They came to a wierd hippie event held in the Lady Mitchell Hall in Cambridge in, I think, the Autumn of 1969. The hall was packed, and a good many of those present (though not, I hasten to add, this blogger) were, er, stoned. The old adage — that if you can remember the Sixties then you probably weren’t there — is only true up to a point.

Ah, those were the days! Remind me to tell you sometime about the Boer War.

OFCOM, the UK Communications regulator, has been monitoring the output of Ocean FM, described as “an Adult Contemporary music and information station targeting 25-44 year-olds in South Hampshire”.

The regulator is Not Amused. Here’s the nub of the matter:

Ocean’s core music remit, as set out in the Format’s Character of Service, is to be an Adult Contemporary station for 25-44 year-olds in South Hampshire. Listening to the
station and carrying out analysis of the music logs for the three days, we noted that Ocean is currently interpreting its Adult Contemporary Format in a very Adult Rock type of way, with the inclusion during daytime programming of a high number of classic and alternative/modern rock tracks such as Arctic Monkeys/Fluorescent Adolescent; The Jam/Going Underground; Lynyrd Skynyrd/Sweet Home Alabama; The Cure/Friday I’m In Love; The Clash/Should I Stay Or Should I Go; The Who/My Generation; and The Buzzcocks/Ever Fallen In Love.

Nevertheless, we recognise that within the context of its Format Ocean could legitimately argue it is providing a more rock-leaning ‘Modern AC’ or ‘Hot AC’ type of format often seen in the USA and other commercial radio markets, and we also noted the inclusion of a number of more typical mainstream AC tracks on the playlist such as Robbie Williams/Angels; Simply Red/Fairground; 10cc/Dreadlock Holiday; Take That/Patience; Spandau Ballet/Gold; Michael Jackson/Off The Wall; Anastacia/Left Outside Alone; Madonna/Like A Prayer and Rod Stewart/You’re In My Heart.

The Format allows for (but does not require) up to 30 hours per week of specialist music programming, and Ocean provides a 1980s-themed ‘Skool Daze’ show and Alice Cooper’s rock programme, which are both aired on Friday and Saturday nights.

As previously noted, Ocean FM’s Format requires that “music programming will be
predominantly (up to 70%) current a/c [Adult Contemporary] tracks and those from the previous twelve months, along with a spread of a/c hits from across the years.” Ofcom’s monitoring of the station across the three days showed that, excluding Alice Cooper’s specialist rock show, an average of just 9.5% of the tracks aired by Ocean were either current tracks or tracks drawn from the past 12 months. (This compares to the minimum 51% of current and recurrent tracks that would be required to constitute the “predominant” ingredient of the station’s music programming).

We therefore concluded that Ocean is in clear breach of its Format, and a Yellow Card warning has been issued. If we find that these issues have been addressed when we monitor the station again, then the Yellow Card will be lifted.

There’s something deliciously quaint about this, don’t you think? It’s so redolent of the old world of broadcasting. And the idea of receiving a licence for a particular ‘format’ is just wonderful.

Thanks to Geoff Peters for spotting it.