Human Resource Management — not

A friend sent me these quotes from an unspecified source.

A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert Quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

1. “As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

2. “What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.” (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. “E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.” (Accounting Mgr, Elec. Boat Company)

4. “This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.” (Advertising/Marketing Manager, UPS)

5. “Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.” (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

6. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.” (R&D Supervisor, 3M Corp.)

7. Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing Executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

9. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching Supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New Business Manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)

Well, well, well… Wall Street is now beginning to think that maybe Time Warner would be better off without that boring ol’ ISP it married a while back.

Roger Clark’s Notes on Computers, Freedom and Privacy 2002 Conference

Every year, Roger attends this vital conference, and every year he provides helpful notes for those of us who didn’t make it to the event. Dan Gillmor was also there.

Hints of Woe as Microsoft Posts Gains
New York Times story by John Markoff.

“SAN FRANCISCO, April 18 [~] Microsoft, the world’s largest software publisher, delivered what it said were strong PC software results today combined with weaker corporate sales for its third fiscal quarter in 2002, suggesting that the company is being held back by the stagnant economy.

Microsoft also scaled back its projections for the fourth quarter of the fiscal year 2002 and for its 2003 fiscal year. The pessimistic guidance indicated that like the world’s largest computer maker, I.B.M., which reported disappointing first-quarter results on Wednesday, Microsoft is having trouble escaping a dismal corporate business environment.”

My lament for the AT&T Lab is in today’s Observer. It was Slashdotted the next day, leading (so I heard) to some overwork for the AT&T Lab’s servers.

A colleague of mine was on an Easyjet flight the other day, and found that the head of the cabin staff seemed to be planning a new career as a stand-up comedian. My colleague took notes. Here they are:

“In a moment we will dim the cabin lights for take off, a routine procedure. It also helps to make me look more attractive.”

“Easyjet employ some of the most professioanl and efficient of staff. Unfortunately none of them are flying with you today.”

“We recommend that you read the safety card. It could save your life. The magazines and newspapers will not.”

“We will shortly be giving out inflight magazines. It’s the only thing you’re going to get free from Easyjet so I do suggest you hang onto it.”

“We’ve arrived 20minutes early which completely ruins our reputation but there we are.”

“Don’t undo your seatbelts until we’ve stopped and the sign goes off. We don’t want you to arrive at the terminal building ahead of the aircraft.”

“Please don’t leave babies and children behind. I have quite enough of those.”

NY Times: “The record industry’s legal victory over Napster last year has neither stopped the trading of free music online nor halted a slide in music sales.”  [Scripting News]

Well, whaddya know?

According to this BBC story, a leading firm of snake oil… er, consultants has concluded that business use of the Web “is about to get serious”.

“The next two years will see businesses start to remake the software they use to run their organisations as they start to put the net at the heart of everything they do, says a report by consultancy PricewaterhouseCoopers. ”

BT will give broadband access to rural users — for between £3,000 and £5,000 a year!
BBC News Online story. Wow! Some breakthrough, eh. It’s a service called BT Netstart, apparently. That’s ‘start’ as in the Windows Start button — the one you press to turn off.

What’s the difference between the Danes and the Spaniards?

Well, basically, the Danes are great online communicators (sending 10 emails and one SMS message per day), while the Spaniards are crazy about , er, online gaming.