Man U and Man Non-U

Or the need for an etiquette guide in the Premiership. Lovely column by Marina Hyde.

Then of course there is the recalibration necessitated by City’s becoming nouveau riche, as they make previous League arrivistes Chelsea look like a club that hasn’t had to buy its own furniture. And of even more pressing concern to those of us who insist on things being done properly are the new teams, those Premier League debutantes being presented at the court of the Big Four, and whose failure to know which knife to use to stab their manager in the back after a disastrous start would be excruciating in the extreme.

The solution is clear: the FA must produce a Premier League etiquette guide. Might I suggest a variation of the classic Frost Report sketch on class, which starred John Cleese, Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett – but which might with only a little effort be adapted as an instructional video starring Ferguson, Mark Hughes, and perhaps Burnley's Owen Coyle, wearing respectively the bowler hat, pork pie hat, and cloth cap.

Ferguson I look down on him [indicates Hughes] because I am a big club.

Hughes I look up to him [Ferguson] because he is a big club; but I look down on him [Coyle].

Coyle I know my place. I look up to them both. But I don't look up to him [Hughes] as much as I look up to him [Ferguson], because he has got innate breeding…

And so it goes on. Lovely stuff.