How to have your Abstract rejected

Hilarious — and very sound — advice from Xerox PARC. Sample:

“Submit incorrectly. The device of sending abstracts to the local arrangements chairman is overused. Try something fresher. Send your abstract to last year’s program chairman. Send it to this year’s in care of the school where he did his undergraduate work or, better yet, to the school that turned him down for tenure. Send it to someone whose name sounds a little like his. Under any circumstances, be sure to send it postage due.”