‘Happy Christmas’ in legalese
From an anonymous source on the Net.
On advice of Counsel, and in view of our increasingly litigious society, we retained an attorney specialising in Greetings and Holiday law to write the following holiday greeting this year. The sentiments are our own.
WHEREAS the party of the First Part (hereinafter called the Wishor) acknowledges the existence of the Party of the Second Part (the Wishee):
Please accept, without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, prudently budgeted, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised with the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of Wishee’s choice, but with respect for the religious/secular traditions of others, or (but not limited to) Wishee’s choice not to practise religious or secular traditions.
Also, may all Wishees and their families enjoy a financially-successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated celebration of the generally accepted calendar year 2003, but with due respect for the calendars of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, sexual preference, political party affiliation, choice of computer platform, or dietary preference of the Wishee.
NOTICE ++ NOTICE ++ NOTICE ++ NOTICE ++ NOTICE
By accepting this greeting, Wishee is bound by the following terms:
(1) This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.
(2) This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the Wishor are acknowledged.
(3) This greeting in no way implies intent or promise by the Wishor to implement any of the wishes.
(4) This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain Wishees in certain jurisdictions, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the Wishor.
(5) Certain States in the United States or other Countries may restrict Wishee’s right to said greetings; it is the responsibility of said Wishees to verify the legality of such greetings within their jurisdiction. In no case shall Wishor assume responsibility for legality of the greeting in any jurisdiction.
(6) This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
(7) The above warranty should not be construed as a promise of issuance of any further holiday greeting, which shall occur only at the sole discretion of the Wishor.
(8) Any reference or addendum to this greeting in Wishor’s handwriting to “the Lord”, ‘Father Christmas”, “our Saviour”, or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.
(8) By opening this greeting, Wishee implies acceptance of the terms and conditions enumerated within this greeting. If Wishee does not agree with the terms and conditions, Wishee should, at his/heer optioln, either destroy this greeting or write “Refused – return to Sender” on outer envelope and return by certified mail to Wishor, at Wishee’s own expense.