It’s leading-edge uselessness time again. Consider this from the Australian Sunday Times: A formula for the perfect female derriere…

FEW women would claim to have the perfect bottom. But for those in need of reassurance that it is within reach, a scientist has come to the rescue by working out a mathematical formula they believe adds up to the perfect posterior.

The magical figures are (S C) x (B F)/T = V. Though the equation looks rather complicated, it is, according to the scientist, simple.

It assesses shape, bounce, firmness and symmetry – all factors that add up to the bottom line.

S is the overall shape or droopiness of the bottom, C represents how spherical the buttocks are, B measures muscular wobble or bounce, while F records the firmness.

V is the hip to waist ratio, or symmetry of the bottom, and T measures the skin texture and presence of cellulite.

And let Y= the battiness of the psychology lecturer at Manchester Metropolitan ‘University’ who devised the formula after asking 2000 women across Britain to assess their bottoms using a simple points scale.