Gasoline prices

If you’ve been to a gas station lately, you have no doubt been shocked by the prices: $1.67, $1.78, even $1.92. And that’s just for Hostess Twinkies. Gas prices are even worse.

Americans are ticked off about this, and with good reason: Our rights are being violated! The First Amendment clearly states: ‘In addition to freedom of speech, Americans shall always have low gasoline prices, so they can drive around in ‘sport utility’ vehicles the size of minor planets.”

And don’t let any so-called ”economists” try to tell you that foreigners pay more for gas than we do. Foreigners use metric gasoline, which is sold in foreign units called ”kilometers,” plus they are paying for it with foreign currencies such as the ”franc,” the ”lira” and the ”doubloon.” So in fact there is no mathematical way to tell WHAT they are paying.

But here in the U.S., we are definitely getting messed over, and the question is: What are we going to do about it? Step one, of course, is to file a class-action lawsuit against the cigarette companies. They have nothing to do with gasoline, but juries really hate them, so we’d probably win several hundred billion dollars.

Dave Barry, writing in 2000.