I’ve just received a most helpful letter from the government’s ‘Retirement Pension Forecasting Team’. “Dear Mr Naughton”, they write,

have you thought about how much money you will have when you retire?

Er, no, not really.

We are writing to tell you how much State Pension you may get when you reach State Pension age. The State Pension will give you a start. However, to have the lifestyle you want, you might need to think about saving some more, working longer or retiring later.

[Hmm…, how do those last two options differ?] Then they get to the nub of the matter. Apparently my forecast State Pension is £85.98 a week. After tax, that should be enough to keep me in cigars. Why, I feel better already.

En passant, I can’t abide people who have lifestyles. They are the sort who aspire to hot tubs, en-suite bathrooms and — God help us — patio heaters.