Election response #7

From the Borowitz Report:

CANADA REPORTS HUGE JUMP IN IMMIGRATION

Over 55,000,000 Requests for Citizenship Since Tuesday Night

Canadian immigration officials have reported a huge increase in the number of requests for Canadian citizenship in the past twenty-four hours, with over fifty-five million such inquiries pouring in since late Tuesday night.

Of those fifty-five million requests, well over 99.99% of them came from U.S. citizens, the lion’s share residing in such states as New York, California, Massachusetts, Oregon, Washington, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Wisconsin, Vermont, Maine, Rhode Island, Connecticut, Delaware, Illinois, Minnesota, New Hampshire, Maryland, and the District of Columbia.

Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Pierre Pettigrew said that he was “flabbergasted” by the fifty-five-million-plus requests for Canadian citizenship, adding that it was difficult to pinpoint the precise reasons for the staggering increase.

“My only theory is that after many years of exposure in the U.S., hockey is finally starting to catch on,” Mr. Pettigrew said.

He cautioned, however, that it is impossible to know exactly what is sparking the sudden interest in America’s frozen neighbor to the north: “People answering our immigration hotline say that it is hard to understand many of the American callers because they are sobbing uncontrollably.”

In other news, President Bush used his acceptance speech Wednesday to reach out to supporters of Sen. John Kerry, telling them, “You can run, but you can’t hide.”