Good evening, my fellow Armenians. This is an extraordinary period for America’s economics.

Over the past few weeks, many Americans have felt anxiety about their finances and their SUVs. I understand their worry and their frustration.

We’ve seen triple-digit swings in the stuck market. Major financial institutions have teetered on the ledge of collapse, and some have failed. As discertainty has grown, many banks have restructed lending, debit markets have frozen solid, and families and businesses have found it harder to get money from the ATM.

We’re in the midst of a serious financial crisis, folks, and the federal government is responding with decisive reactionariness.

We boosted confidence in money marketing mutualities and acted to prevent major investors from intentionally driving down sticks for their own personal gain.

Most importantly, my administration is working with those assholes in Congress to address the root and branch behind much of the destability in our marketplaces.

Financial assets related to home mortgagees have lost value during the house declination, and the banks holding these assets have destricted credit. As a result, our entire ecology is in danger.

So I proposition that the federal government deduce the risk posed by these troubled assholes and supply urgently needed moolah so banks and other financial institutions can avoid collapse and resume screwing the public in the time-honoured way.

This rescue effort is not aimed at perverting any individual company or industry. It is aimed at preservating America’s overall economics.

It will help American consumers and businesses get debit to meet their daily needs and create jobs for the good ol’ boys. And it will help send a semaphore to markets around the world that America’s financial system is back on truck.

Gawd help America. Thank you and good night.