Human Resource Management — not

A friend sent me these quotes from an unspecified source.

A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert Quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

1. “As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

2. “What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.” (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. “E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.” (Accounting Mgr, Elec. Boat Company)

4. “This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.” (Advertising/Marketing Manager, UPS)

5. “Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.” (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

6. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.” (R&D Supervisor, 3M Corp.)

7. Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing Executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

9. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching Supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New Business Manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)