Er, vintage indignation from Boris Johnson…

And there I was – all set to blame Brussels. As soon as I heard there was some loony plan to put health warnings on wine bottles, my

As I prepared my continental bombing raid, I could see my target in my imagination.

That’s right: it was some Swedish divorcee health commissioner, sitting in her velour slacks in her taupe-coloured office in the Breydel building, Brussels; and I could just imagine the imperious set of her jaw as she put down her glass of Badoit and prepared to Mont Blanc her initials under the EU edict that alcohol was henceforward to be clearly labelled as a poison; and in my rage I reached for another lunchtime glass of Mazis-Chambertin 2000, to fortify myself for the rigours of composing my column, and I can tell you that it was with all bomb bays fully loaded that I arrived at my desk; and I was on the very point of launching the great Brussels-busting task force when I paused.

I had a spasm of journalistic scruple. I picked up the phone….

You can guess the rest. Lazy column, but still amusing.