Things to bear in mind when giving Commencement Addresses

One of the dubious pleasures of middle age is that your Alma Mater may decide you’re now sufficiently old/prominent/rich (delete as appropriate) to be invited back to give an Address on Graduation Day. I know — it’s happened to me. The temptation to give a pompous sermon to a captive audience is difficult to resist. (I’m not sure I succeeded.) In the meantime, here are some useful guidelines.

“Banana Republic has always been a store, not a puppet government in Latin America.

The statement ‘You sound like a broken record’ means nothing to them.

They do not have a clue how to use a typewriter.

They’ve never heard, ‘Where’s the beef?’

Paul Newman has always made salad dressing.

Michael Jackson has always been white.”

My favourite Commencement Address is still Woody Allen’s. It begins:

“Today we are at a crossroads. One road leads to hopelessness and despair; the other, to total extinction. Let us pray we choose wisely.”